As I find my way back to you
by AbigailKinney4life
Summary: "I can see him, everyday. Alone, drinking, tired. Don't be sad, Dean. Hang in there until I can find my way back to you." Dean/Castiel. S7 spoilers x
1. With Nothing But Your Trench Coat On

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

Warnings: Slash (Destiel) violence and adult content.

A/N: I never really thought of Dean and Castiel as a couple before, but after watching how close they got in season 6 and reading some Dean/Cas fanfiction, I really started to like the idea. This fic is set in season 7 after Cas dissapears into the water supply. This story contains alternating POV's. Hope you enjoy, reviews much appreciated x

Chapter One: With Nothing But Your Trench Coat On

Dean POV

I downed my 6th shot of whiskey and felt the burn as the liquid tore down my throat. The burn was good, I guess it proved I was still alive. At this point I had decided to ditch the glass and drink straight from the bottle. I don't know how much I've drunk at this point, but honestly, who cared? All I knew was that I was at that stage where Bobby's living room was blurring out of focus.

Sometimes I forget, I forget he isn't here anymore.

I find myself calling for him but he never comes, and then I would remember and my whole world would crash around my ears again.

I miss you, Cas. You have no idea how much I miss you.

They all know I miss you, and they treat me like a fricken child, like I' broken or something. Truth is, I am broken, I can't seem to eat or sleep and I have to drink myself to a state where I know I'm not gonna dream. 'Cause if I dream, I'm just gonna see you. I'm gonna see you walking into that God damn lake and dissapearing under the surface.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and glanced down at my watch. 3 AM.

There was no noise in Bobby's living room, not at this time of night. Nothing except the calm breathing of Sam as he slept across the room. I tried to focus on that. To use Sam to ground myself. Sammy is pretty much the only reason I get up everyday, 'cause he needs me. He needs me to protect him.

I figure if I didn't have Sam I'd be going completely out of mind by now.

I stared at Sammy's sleeping form for a long time. For a long time I thought Sam would be all that I needed, 'cause he seemed to be the only thing I got. I never once bargained on meeting an angel in a trench coat. I don't even know what happened, as soon as Cas and I met, there was just _something. _I really started to care about him, like a friend, then like a brother and then like something more...

Sometimes I just wanted to scream, I just wanted to talk to him. I know I'm not thinking straight and I know that Castiel is gone, but...I can still feel him, it's like he's still here. Sat down next to me on Bobby's couch and I can't see him.

His handprint on my shoulder fades a little more everyday. Soon there will be nothing left to connect us. Carefully, very carefully so I wouldn't wake anyone up, I began looking through my duffel bag until I came across what I was looking for. Gently, I lifted out Cas's trench coat that I had..I guess tenderly folded up when it had drifted to land, almost like it had drifted back to me. I know how sissy that sounds but I guess it's true. Besides, I'm inside my own head, no one to lie to in here.

It was almost like I was looking after it for him, for when he got back. I ran my hand along the fabric and felt the tears pricking at my eyes. I lay down slowly on Bobby's couch, hugging his trench coat to me, feeling close to him in a crazy sort of way. I felt my eyelids getting heavier as I buried my face in his trench coat to try and stop the tears that were now streaming.

"I'm sorry, Cas." I whispered to no one in particular as I felt myself fall into a drink-induced unconsciousness.

...

Castiel POV

I watched him fall asleep, but unnaturally so. He had been drinking too much again, I had watched as he had buried his face in my coat to try and stop his tears, and I had clearly heard him tell me that he was sorry. My anguish was so great I nearly broke free from the chair that I was bound to. My vessel was stiff with pain from watching Dean's anguish on the 3D image infront of me, but I also felt anger. As I could hear the Leviathan in the corner of the room chuckling softly.

"Why are you making me watch this?" I asked stiffly, unable to look anywhere except to the pixelated Dean infront of me, deep into a dreamless sleep at this point. I prayed he was peaceful at least in rest.

The Leviathan walked infront of me with a malicious grin on his face, like not only was he enjoying my pain but he was enjoying Dean's too. That alone made me want to tear his throat out.

"Because this is the best kind of torture," the Leviathan hissed at me. "Watching your precious little Dean suffering, thinking that you're gone. Soon, you wont be able to bear anymore."

It would be a lie to think that statement to be untrue. I didn't honestly know how much more I could take. Watching Dean cry, struggle inside his own skin. Dean was falling apart and there was nothing I could do about it.

I stared longingly at his sleeping image. Dean Winchester was a man I knew to be strong and unafraid. Only my father knows what I wouldn't give just to see him smile, if only for the last time.

"And once you can't take anymore..." the Leviathan continued, "you will tell us exactly what we want to know."

My head snapped up immediately to the piece of filth. I would never give the Leviathan's what they wanted.

"You'll have to kill me."

He laughed again. "You've become so much like little Dean Winchester, I hope you got to say your goodbyes, considering you'll never see him again."

My eyes fell to the floor uncomfortably as my heart was filled with my least favourite of the Human emotions; regret.

"So, tell me," the Leviathan continued, perching on the end of a desk across the room. "Watching the man of your dreams dying inside his own head...how does that make you feel?" He asked while grinning.

I turned my head to him, anger bubbling in my stomach. "I can see him, everyday." I practically spat. "Alone, drinking, tired. How do you think I feel!"

He laughed, he laughed in my face. And as he left the room and walked away I could still hear the same malicious laughter echoing through the hallways of the building.

And now I was alone again. Just me and Dean's agony spread out before me. The worst part about having to watch Dean's suffering was that I could see my eyes reflected in his. Lifeless, cold. We were both dying in our own heads, it was just a question of which of us would lose our grip on reality first. I suppose Dean has Sam, a focus point, someone to take care of. Sam eased Dean's pain and I had to be thankful for that.

I wondered if it were possible to feel your heart breaking.

Because that's what it felt like as I stared at the image of Dean, obviously pained even in sleep. The tears drying on his face.

"Don't be sad, Dean." I found myself saying to no one in particular.

"Hang in there until I can find my way back to you."


	2. I'm The Suffer In Silence Type

As I find my way back to you...

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

A/N: I don't even know if Cas has his Angel Sword in the series anymore but he does in here x

Chapter Two: I'm The Suffer In Silence Type

Dean POV

I couldn't seem to look Sam in the eye. Simply out of embarressment. He'd woken up before me, he always woke up before me. And when I woke up I had a warm blanket drapped over me, but he hadn't moved Castiel's trench coat. I guess I should be touched but, I didn't want Sam knowing that I cuddled up to a trench coat for comfort, that was just sad. And the fact that he hadn't brought it up meant that he was being all sympathetic with me. I just couldn't face sympathy right now.

No, what I needed was something to _do. _I needed to kill something evil, take my mind off things. If you ask me, kicking some ass is the best therapy around.

"Hey," said Sam, sticking his head around the corner of Bobby's living room and nearly making me jump. "Bobby just called," he informed me, "said he found something."

Finally!

"Well, what is it?" I asked, walking closer to him.

"He didn't say," said Sam, "but he said he's on his way back now."

"Right," I said, nodding. I looked at Sam and he looked like he was concentrating on something, like there was something he wanted to say but he didn't know how to say it.

"Sam, what's up?" I asked.

"How are you, Dean?" He asked, his voice was filled with concern and I had to roll my eyes.

"I'm fine, Sammy." I answered, deciding to wring the neck of the next person who asked me that question. Sam looked like he was about to argue when I was saved by the door opening and Bobby walked in carrying a stack of newspapers.

"Are they all from today?" I asked, confused.

"Yep," Bobby answered, setting the newspapers down on the coffee table. I looked at him quizzically and then picked up the newspaper on the top of the stack. I arched my eyebrow as I read the front page.

"Bill Gribson, 35, found in the woods yesterday..." my eyes widened and I looked up to Bobby and Sam, "...drained of blood."

"What?" Asked Sam, alarmed. He picked up a newspaper and began scanning the front page too.

"Sally Redfield," he read aloud, "body found mauled by an animal..."

I turned to Bobby. "You think it's vampire's?"

"Pretty damn sure," Bobby continued, "the hunting pattern is about right."

"Why would vampire's hunt so many people?" Asked Sam, rifling through the other newspapers, "have you noticed anything connecting the vics?" He asked Bobby.

"Nope," Bobby answered, "except they all lived in Ohio."

I actually grinned.

"What's so funny?" Bobby asked, confused.

"We've got a job," I said simply, "I've been dying to kill something!"And as I left the room I didn't see Bobby and Sam exchanging worried glances.

...

I walked back into Bobby's house later that day, loosening the tie of my FED suit, Sam looked up as I walked in.

"Hey," he greeted.

"Hey," I said back, I looked around. "Where's Bobby?"

"He went to the library," Sam said, "see if he can dig anything up. What about you?"

"I just went to talk to the families of all the vics," I told Sam, "see if they know anything."

"You went to see _all_ the families, today?" Asked Sam, sounding a little surprised.

"Well, it's not like I have anything better to do." I shrugged.

Sam shook his head slightly, I pretended that I didn't notice. "Well, did they know anything?"

"Well, the victims didn't know each other at all, but..." I pulled a slip of paper out of my pocket. "They all went to this same bar on the night they died." I pushed the address on the slip of paper towards Sam, he looked at me.

"Good work," he said, "we can check it out tomorrow."

"Why wait 'til tomorrow?" I asked, "call Bobby, we'll check it out now." I said, as I turned to leave the room again.

"Dean." Said Sam, stopping me. I turned back to him.

"What?" I asked, Sam looked partially annoyed.

"You're doing it again." He said.

"Doing what?" I asked exasperatedly.

"That thing where you try and hide your feelings," he said, "and your pain."

I shook my head. "Sam..."

"Look," Sam said, cutting me off. "Cas meant a lot to you, maybe even more than a lot..."

I couldn't help it, I just stared at the floor uncomfortably.

"I just want you to know, this pain that you're feeling...Dean, it's okay." Sam stared at me sympathetically. "It's okay because you lov..."

"What's your point, Sam?" I cut him off angrily, I glared at him and I could practically see him recoil a little bit. I didn't like shouting at Sam; he sighed.

"All I'm saying is that if you need someone to talk to...I'm here for you."

I stared at Sam for a long moment and nodded slightly. I guess when I thought about it, Sam was a lot like my own personal brand of sellotape, he wasn't a perfect fix but he sure as hell kept me together.

...

Sam POV

This research was pretty dead-end, I couldn't find any reason why Vampires would have any motivation for hunting in Ohio, but it wasn't the job I was worried about, there were bigger things here, like my brother.

Dean was currently loading Bobby's truck with weapons, because Bobby had agreed to going to check out the bar today and we didn't know what we were up against. Dean was running into this and Bobby knew it, but Bobby believed that Dean needed a distraction, something to take his mind off of Castiel, and I couldn't help but agree with him.

I missed Castiel too, we'd become good friends, and he had practically saved me from hell so I owed him my life. I liked Cas, and I liked what he had with Dean, I liked that he made Dean happy, and he was good for him. I guess the only thing I ever really wanted was for Dean to get a second chance at a good life.

I didn't know if Cas was alive or dead, but I'd given it a lot of thought. I couldn't think of any reason why the Leviathans would keep Cas alive, and I couldn't think of any reason why they would just let him go. All logic screamed against Castiel being alive but something in the back of my mind just didn't believe that he was dead. But I dunno if that was a gut feeling or if I just didn't want one of the only good things Dean had in his life taken away from him, I knew I was getting pretty helpless with Dean, I just didn't know what to do.

"Ca...Castiel..." I found myself calling out, and I didn't even know why. "Castiel...if you can hear me..." I sighed. "Cas, I need your help. It's Dean, he...he needs you...we all need you..." I actually felt tears pricking at my eyes, my voice broke slightly as I continued to talk to no one.

"Dean's struggling...he won't admit it but he misses you...you were such an important part in his life...I think you're the only person besides me, Bobby and our parents that he ever really loved...I...I..." I laughed slightly at myself through my sadness. "...I don't even know if you're alive, I don't even know if you can hear me..." I chuckled sadly again and looked to the floor, "I don't really know what to say..."

...

Castiel POV

"I can hear you, Sam." I said to myself, I guess it felt like I was speaking to him, which was comforting. Just like it was comforting to him for him to simply believe he was speaking to me.

I could hear Sam's familiar but pained voice echoing inside my head. I thought that with the binding spell the Leviathan's have me under I wouldn't be able to hear calls, but apparently I was wrong. It was horrible listening to Sam's pain, and listening to him describing Dean's desperation. I can see Dean as Sam is speaking to me, I can see him on that damned floating image infront of me; my hell.

Dean was alone, loading Bobby's truck with different weapons from the Impala. I was glad at least that he had a distraction, that was until he was rooting through his trunk and produced something I never thought I'd see again, my Angel Sword, and Dean seemed to freeze. He just stared at it, forehead slightly creased.

"You don't need to say anything." I said, even though I knew Sam could not hear me. My heart broke just that little bit more as I watched Dean simply staring at the angel sword, his face was expressionless and he didn't say anything.

"Because sometimes silence is the loudest word."


	3. It's What I Would Do

As I find my way back to you...

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners

A/N: Sorry I haven't updated in a while guys, hope you enjoy x

Chapter 3: It's What I Would Do

Castiel POV

I was alone, no Leviathan's had come into the room I was bound to today. I didn't know what time it was, I didn't even know what day it was. All I knew was that I was trapped here. Trapped here with nothing but Dean's misery and my own thoughts.

I wanted to know exactly what the Leviathans were up to, after what they had asked of me I already had a pretty good idea. If I give them the information they need, they may be able to destroy the world.

I can't let them destroy the world, I can't let them destroy my father's creation. But more than that, there are people in this world that I care about now, and I have to protect them at all costs. Even if that means spending the rest of my life here, even if it means dying here, even if it means never seeing Dean again...

I had to stop on that thought. I didn't even know if I meant it, it was a hard thought, trying to decide if Dean was worth the world, because if the world was destroyed then he would also be destroyed with it. So saying that Dean was worth more than the world, surely means I would have to keep the world intact to make sure Dean remained alive? No matter how much time I spent with Humans I don't think I'm ever going to understand the strange things that they say to eachother. Like I could say that I loved Dean more than life, but that would mean that if I died, I would not be able to tell him all the things I want to tell him, I would not be able to be with him or stand next to him and I wouldn't be able to protect him. So saying that I loved Dean more than life was saying that I would leave him alone and unprotected.

So I had no idea if keeping information from the Leviathan's kept me away from Dean, leaving him unprotected, or if it protected him more? I think at this point in my train of thought I became aware that I had way to much time on my hands.

I had to wonder what the Leviathan's would do with me if I did tell them what they wanted to know. I know that they will probably kill me, but at least that would be an escape from the torture they kept inflicting on me. But I had to hope, if I had learnt anything from my time on Earth was that I had to hope, hope that they would keep me alive, maybe let me go? Even out of the sheer vain stupidity that there was nothing I could do to stop them.

I don't know what they'd do with me if I co-operated with the demands, but all I know is that I would give anything, anything just to have the chance to tell Dean that I love him.

...

Dean POV

We ran back into Bobby's house as soon as I had got the van there. Bobby and I were both covered in blood but Sam was the one we needed to get to. How many vampires carried guns? Honestly! Sam had a bullet wound in his left shoulder and was gushing blood. We'd had to get him back to Bobby's so quick I hadn't even had time to clean up the mess we'd made when we'd cut those vampires heads off.

I ran into the kitchen and grabbed the medical kit Bobby always kept there and threw it to him, as Bobby gathered all the things he would need I grabbed for a bunch of towels and pressed them against Sam's shoulder, trying to stem the bleeding.

"It's gonna be okay, Sammy." I promised him, he looked pale from the amount of blood he was losing.

"Bobby!" I called out hurriedly, "Sammy! Focus man! Stay with me!"

"Get out of the way you Idgit." Said Bobby, moving me out of the way and taking the towel I had and pressing it against Sam's shoulder. "If you really wanna help, go clean up those bodies!"

"Right," I said, nodding. Before sparing one last look at Sam and running out for the Impala.

As I watched the bodies burning in the forest I hoped to God that Sam would be okay, how was I supposed to know he'd get shot by a vampire? And how was I supposed to know he'd lose that much blood?

As I drove back to Bobby's I didn't know what to feel, I just prayed Sam would be okay.

When I walked back into Bobby's house, the first thing I saw was Sam, he was sat at Bobby's table with a large bandage around his shoulder. He looked tired and drained, but okay.

"Sam!" I exclaimed, instantly hugging him.

"Ow!..Err...Dean.." he began, and I suddenly backed off.

"Sorry, sorry.." I apologuised. "How are you feeling? Are you alright?"

"Bobby reckons I'll be fine," Sam told me, smiling slightly. "I'll just be weak from the loss of blood."

I felt the relief swamp my body, for a minute since Cas's dissapearance I actually felt happy. "You have no idea how glad I am that you're okay, Sammy." I told my baby brother. "For a second there I thought..."

"Yeah," Sam agreed, raising his eyebrows. "So did I."

We both looked up as Bobby walked into the kitchen, wiping blood from his hands. "You might want to get cleaned up, son." He told me, and I looked down at my blood-stained clothes.

"Right," I said, heading for the bathroom.

"But before you do-" Bobby stopped me, and I turned back to him, "would you mind telling me what the hell you did back there?"

"Err..." I began, unsure of what to say.

"I mean," began Bobby, "why in the hell would you run into a Vampire nest just like that? With no warning?"

I couldn't help but hang my head.

"You could have got people killed!" Bobby continued, "including Sam!"

"I know!" I shouted back, looking up at Bobby. They had no idea how much I knew. Sam nearly died today and it was all my fault, all because I was too selfish and needed a distraction to forget about Castiel. I was losing my God damn mind and their was nothing I could do about it. But I can't compramise Sam's safety for anything, anything.

"You've not been yourself lately, Dean." Bobby told me, "you never would have done that in your right mind."

"I know, okay," I began, feeling terrible. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, I know I haven't been myself lately. It's just...saving everything, and never giving in... just seemed to be what Cas would want me to do, 'cause it's what he would do."

...

Castiel POV

_just seemed to be what Cas would want me to do, 'cause it's what he would do_

I felt those words ringing around in my head as I watched Dean say them. As he did, I could see that strength in his eyes, that determination, that _hope._ And suddenly all of my earlier thoughts about saving the world, not saving the world meant nothing. I knew what mattered. It wasn't about logic or reason it was about doing the right thing despite the cost.

It didn't matter what the Leviathans were planning and I didn't even care about what they were planning because Dean was right.

"God!" I found myself shouting, "I know you can hear me and I don't care who else can! I need you to get rid of this binding spell, I have to leave here, there are things I need to do. I know you asked me not to call on you incase the Leviathan's found you but this is more important. I'm never giving in, because that is what Dean would want me to do, and it's what Dean would do."

I suddenly felt the restrictions around my vessel leave me and I breathed deeply for the first time in what felt like an age. I slowly got to my feet and my vessel was stiff and sore with the lack of movement. I turned for the door just in time to see the Leviathan who usually guarded me ranked by two other Leviathans I had never seen before.

"Where do you think you're going?" The Leviathan asked me snidely.

I stared at the Leviathans determinedly and clenched my fists.

_Change of plans, Dean, _I thought to myself, _hang in there until I can fight my way back to you..._


	4. Your Smile Makes My Heart Skip A Beat

As I find my way back to you...

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners. I also do not own the song 6 months, by "Hey Monday." (Which, for the record, I think best describes the relationship between Dean and Cas in this story, give it a listen x)

A/N: Okay, this chapter contains some Leviathan ass kicking as promised :), also, this chapter contains a certain religious figure that is being written about because of their roll on "Supernatural", no offence intended, hope you guys enjoy x

Chapter 4: Your Smile Makes My Heart Skip A Beat

God POV

I picked slowly at the burger in front of me, the roll was stale and the meat was at least 6 years old. Human's have no concept of freshness. I used to love everything about this little race I had created but actually living with them...they were more and more irritating everyday. But then I suppose when I get back to heaven, I will be just as enamoured with them as I was before I left.

I'm being cautiously optimistic here, I guess what I really mean is that if I ever get back to heaven. But I need to get back to heaven, they have been in warfare ever since I have been gone. I need to get back to my world.

Also, I need to get out of this motel, and this vessel. He is breaking slowly under my power, no matter how much I wash I always appear ragged.

I looked up to the sound of footsteps, of course I knew it wasn't danger, it was only Joshua. My only consort from heaven, I watched as he ran into the room. His vessel's eyes were full of fear and he had sweat sliding down his vessel's face. I looked at him, confused. Wondering what could have possibly happened to scare one of the angels of heaven.

"Joshua-" I began, "what has scared you so?"

"The emergency, my lord." He gasped between breathes, "I got here as soon as I could."

I knew Joshua had to get to this dingy little motel by Human mehods, ever since the Levithans had been searching for me I had not allowed him or me to use any of our Angelic methods, but I suppose I didn't have to worry about that now.

"Yes, the emergency." I said, having almost forgot about it. "I think...I think the Leviathans may know our whereabouts."

"What?" Asked Joshua, the surprise in his voice. "How could they possibly know? We've gone to every measure to appear Human!"

"I helped Castiel escape from the Leviathan hold." I said, looking at Joshua. "The Leviathans may be able to use one of their ancient spells to find us."

Joshua stared at me, his vessel's eyebrows raised. "Why would you help Castiel escape, my lord? You must see that this is not a wise move!"

"I have my reasons!" I half-thundered, then sighed. "I wasn't left with a choice. I feared that Castiel would no longer co-operate or help to protect heaven if I didn't help him get to his Winchester boy. Leviathan methods of torture are very effective and I the last thing we needed was for Castiel to break."

Joshua was silent for a long moment, unsure of what to say. "What do we do now, my lord?" He asked me quietly.

"We go to the Winchesters." I told him, "if the Leviathans have found us, they are our only hope."

Dean POV

I could see the Wendigo flitting in and out of the trees in the large forrest I was running through. Sam and Bobby were around me somewhere, although I didn't have them in eye sight. We'd been so close, the Wendigo had been just there...Sam had been ready to take it out but then it had suddenly ran off in the other direction and we'd had no choice but to barrel after it.

But, as annoying as it was to chase through a forrest after a crazed cannibal, it was a great distraction. You can't really think about much when you're chasing a Wendigo at full pelt.

But then suddenly, I couldn't see it anymore. Like it had vanished into thin air, I stopped suddenly, looking around catiously. Not long after that, Sam and Bobby walked slowly up to me. Staring around as wearily as I was.

"Where do you think...?" But before Sam could finish his sentence the Wendigo was on top of him. Sam shouted out in shock and I lunged forward out of instinct. Before I could do anything the Wendigo jumped forward and screamed, and turned to dust before my eyes.

I stared at the pile of dust that was once a Wendigo for a long time, confused. "Sam, you okay?" I asked finally.

"Yeah, I'm good." Said Sam, sounding just as confused as I was.

"Err, guys...?" Began Bobby, and we both turned to see what Bobby was staring at. It was a ragged looking middle-aged dude, walking towards us. With the Joshua we had met in heaven trailing behind him. I stared at Sam but he looked to be just as confused as I was.

"I hope I sorted your Wendigo problem." The man said, gesturing vaguelly to the pile of dust.

"What?" Asked Sam.

Before I could even turn my head to look at him, he man had clicked his fingers and suddenly we weren't in the forrest anymore, we were standing in Bobby's living room. Well, that's what it looked like, anyway.

The man was just staring pleasantly at us and I was starting to get annoyed.

"Listen, buddy-" I began in a hard voice, "do you want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Of course." Said the man pleasantly. "I am God."

"What?" I asked, "don't give me crap..."

The man sighed, "I really am God. Believe me, Joshua and I have been hiding from the Leviathans for some time now. That's why I've been absent from heaven."

I stared at Sam again. It made sense that he would have Joshua with him, and he knew about the Leviathans...

"What would Leviathans want with God?" Asked Bobby, stepping in for me.

"The Leviathans have concocked a binding spell deep within purgatory that can bound God," he explained solumly, "and if they can bind God, they can control anything. I have had no choice but to hide. They have captured one of my Angels to confess to my whereabouts, until then they wouldn't be able to find me."

"But-" began Sam, sounding confused. "Why haven't they just, looked for you...God...themselves?"

"Because there truelly is only way to kill a Leviathan." "God" told us, "and you are looking at it. Without the binding spell ready, I am a threat to them."

"Then why have you been hiding?" Asked Sam incredulously. "Why don't you just go and kill them?"

"God" sighed. "They have one of my sons." He said.

"What, like an angel?" I asked, "I didn't think you gave a shit about your angels..." my mind cast back to a drunken Cas trying to forget about his absent father, I pushed the thought from my mind.

God didn't answer me, but he sure as hell looked pissed off.

"Well, the only thing we can do..." I began slowly, trying to think this one out in my head. "We have to kill the Leviathans before they get the chance to work their black magic abra cadabra," I looked straight at God, "it's the only option we've got."

"But there may be hundreds, maybe _thousands _escaped from Purgatory!" Joshua finally piped up, sounding like I was insane. I couldn't help but roll my eyes.

"Then we take them out one at a time." I said slowly, angry at the fact that no one seemed to be able to get it through their heads that this was freakin' _God._

Joshua did look uneasy for a long moment but then finally spoke. "We do have the locations for three Leviathans," he said hesistantly, "the three that captured one of God's children."

"Great." I said, but it didn't quite reach my voice. Mostly because I was generally depressed nowadays but partly because I didn't want to face up to any Leviathans to save some dick of an angel. "Where?"

"An abandoned school in Alabama."

"Well, we have to go after them, then." Said Bobby without a second thought, heading for the door. Sam and I immediately followed, but I hung back when I realised God and Joshua hadn't moved. And that God hadn't said a word since we starting talkin' about going after those evil sonsofbitches.

"It would be madness." Said God in a menacing tone.

"Look," I began, "I don't care you've been hiding, I don't even care what an absent dick you've been, but one of your _children_ is there! You have to go!"

I turned and walked away and felt a slight feeling of relief as I heard the footsteps of God following me.

...

Castiel POV

I was stood facing the Leviathans with my fists clenched. Part of me wondered what I was doing..._fighting my way back to you_

"You're not getting away!" One of the Leviathans shouted at me. "Tell us where God is!"

"I will never co-operate with the likes of you!" I told them angrily, and without even thinking, I lunged forward and tumbled the main Leviathan to the floor. I stood to my feet immediately and punched one Leviathan still standing in the jaw, and touched my fingers to the forehead of another. It obviously burned him slightly but not much.

My powers were useless against them.

Before I could process any kind of thought, one of the Leviathans had me around the neck. I sent my fist out wildly and hit another one in the jaw again, I saw the blood of his vessel dripping from his torn lip.

"You'll never fight your way out of this!" He hissed, spiting blood from his mouth.

"I've got one thing you don't have!" I spat at him, the hold on my neck getting tighter.

"The power of God?" The Leviathan mocked, laughing.

I punched him in the face again, repeatedly and without mercy. So unlike me. I punctuated each blow with another word.

"Friendship."

Another blow.

"Loyalty."

Another blow.

"Regret."

Another blow.

"Sadness."

Another blow.

"_Love!"_

This blow finally sent the Leviathan to the ground.

"Things you couldn't possibly understand...!"

...

Dean POV

We parked up outside an old school, and as I grabbed my gun (I know it's useless, but without it I feel naked) from the trunk, my eyes fell across Cas's angel sword again. I suddenly realised I did have a pretty good reason to save one of Cas's brothers. He'd saved mine enough.

_This one's for you, Cas._

We walked slowly into the school, Sam, Bobby and myself had our weapons in the low-ready position.

"Your primitive Human weapons will not help." Said God, sounding bored.

"Well, at least we've been tryin'." Bobby retored, and God didn't say another word.

What the hell were we doing here? Risking our lives? I didn't even fully believe it was God...this could ne any kinda trick. I just, I dunno, _felt_ like it was him...it was weird...

"Why would you even hide?" Sam asked suddenly, comment obviously directed for the big man. "I mean, you're _God, _for...Gods...sake." I tried not to laugh.

"You wouldn't understand." God replied.

I was about to retort when Bobby suddenly cut me off.

"Hey, guys, I think I hear something."

As we all strained our ears, there were definately distant sounding shouts and snarls, signs of a pretty big struggle. Sam signalled us and we all followed until the source of the noise got louder and louder...and it was in that classroom.

Sam and Bobby stood to the side, in front of God and Joshua. I walked slowly, wincing at the loud noises of pain, and peered through the small and musty window on the door of the classroom. I could barely see anything, but I could see I guy I recognised as one of the Leviathans being punched repeatedly in the face. I couldn't help a large grin escape.

"What's so funny?" Sam whispered urgently.

"Some Leviathan is getting his ass kicked in there!" Wow, that must have been the first time I've grinned in...I don't even know.

Before Sam even had the chance to reply, God and Joshua charged through the door and pushed me roughly out of the way. The Leviathans didn't even have a chance to look up in shock before they were reduced to dust. Just like that Wendigo earlier.

Me, Sam and Bobby exchanged a look, peering slowly through the door way of the classroom, but there was too much dust to see. All I'd been able to see of the guy doing the Leviathan ass-kicking was that he was in some kinda black suit. He'd fallen from the shock of his oponants turning to dust and he, too, was covered in it.

All three of us walked slowly into the room, trying to air away the dust.

"Oh my God..." said Sam slowly, looking around him. "We have a weapon against these things!"

"Why in the hell did you just charge in like that?" Asked Bobby.

God only replied, "they were going to kill one of my children."

Glad my message sank in.

"You did a good job of saving him an all, but...he doesn't look so good." I pointed out.

The man_...Angel..._finally stood wih his back still to us. He was obviously injured and still covered in Leviathan dust.

"Hey, man, you okay?" I asked outta instinct more than anything, stepping forward slightly.

He stopped brushing himself off for a moment and turned slowly to face me.

And my heart stopped for a moment.

Despite being bruised and battered, the Angel still smiled at me, one of those incredible, elated smiles that lit up the world.

"Hello Dean."

I stared at that smile and felt my heart skip a beat, I also felt a shy smile come across my face even though I couldn't think straight.

But that was okay.

"Cas?"

_Everything you say_

_Everytime we kiss_

_I can't think straight..._

_...but I'm okay_


	5. Memory Serves

As I find my way back to you...

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

A/N: Thank you so much for all of the amazing support I've had for this story, considering I thought it was one of my weakest ones, it really inspires my writing. This chapter really outlines the relationship between Cas and Dean before the Leviathans and a bit of a soppy one, I hope you all enjoy this next update!

Chapter 5: Memory Serves

Dean POV

1 year ago

I could see the sunlight streaming in through the window, it was too bright, shining over my eyes, but I didn't really care. I didn't care about much, because nothing could be more perfect that this moment right now.

I was no mind reader, but it felt like Cas was feeling the same. I glanced up at him to see him smiling at nothing in particular, he should really smile more often. He glanced around and saw that I was staring at him, I knew I should have been embarrassed that he caught me ogling, but when he just smiled wider at me, I forgot all about that.

I laid my head against his naked chest again and settled back down into the bed, still tired from last nights activities.

I was still exhausted but the sunlight had woken me up, I always feel bad falling asleep on Cas. Considering that he doesn't, but he just tells me he's happy to watch me. I guess that's kinda creepy, good creepy though.

I couldn't think of a better way to wake up, lying in bed next to Castiel, feeling him stroking up and down my back lazily. It was weirdly nice to just be able to lay here with Cas, I didn't have to be the big tough guy for anyone else, didn't have to pretend to Sam that I wasn't staring at the angel across the room, wondering what he would think of me...

I closed my eyes for a minute and tried not to think about that stuff, not here, not where I didn't have to. This life that I lead, this life that Sam and Bobby lead...you don't get enough moments like _this._

This life does have it's perks, though. For example, you kinda gain this sixth sense when you know that someone is watching you even when you're not looking at them. And that was why I looked up to Cas again when I felt his eyes on me. I was right, he was staring at me with a lopsided smile, I angled my head up to him.

"What?" I asked, unsettled at the attention.

Cas stared at me for a while before he answered. "I never thought I would be able to love a Human like this."

I stared at him for a long moment, he'd never...he'd never said...anything like that before.

"...Shut up." I told him, laughing slightly and lying back down, it secretly felt good though. But I'd be damned if I was gonna admit that.

Cas...he loved me...that was so..I didn't even know what to say, what to think. I started to think about crazy things like, did I have a future with Cas? Did I want one? What would anyone else think...?

"You 'no," I cleared my throat, "I never thought I was...you 'no, I mean, Lisa and Cassie, and all my one night hook-ups...I never thought I would be gay."

"We all have parts of ourselves we don't understand." Said Cas, but that just didn't seem to cut it. I was never...I could never remember being attracted to men. But there was just _something, _something about Cas's light, and company...the way he makes me feel. The way he makes me feel like a better person. The way he makes me feel like I don't have to protect everyone and being the strong one all of the time, the way he makes me feel like I've never felt before.

"It's not men." I found myself saying out loud, looking up at him. "At least I don't think so...it's just you." I wanted desperately to look away, to hide the bright blush I could feel, but something about Castiel's blue eyes kept me there.

"Humans are all the same to me," he said eventually. "But you...you are special."

I couldn't help the sigh escape, long and heavy, my eyes wavered from his.

"You're...sad?" Asked Cas, looking half-confused, half-sad.

"No," I told him immediately, "of course I'm not...I'm just worried about..Sam."

"Is something wrong with Sam?" Asked Cas, and I smiled at the concern in his voice.

"No! Sam is fine, I'm just worried about telling him...about us, I mean. About, this."

Cas put his thumb under my chin and brought my face up to his. "Your brother wont judge you, Dean."

I made a noise close to a whine but I don't whine. It was a grunt. I couldn't answer Cas, because I didn't know myself. I couldn't risk telling Sam, having him never look at me the same, feel uncomfortable around me, even.

"I just, I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone just yet," I said honestly, "I'm sorry, Cas."

"Don't apologise," Cas told me seriously, before smiling slightly. "Telling Sam will be easier than telling my Father."

I laughed, I couldn't help it. I liked laughing with Cas, it was nice having someone to make me laugh. To make me feel good.

I stopped laughing when I realised Cas was staring at me again, serious this time. I looked at him for a moment until he leant forward and I felt his familiar lips on mine. I refused to moan into his mouth like I wanted to, I still had some dignity. And when Cas pulled away he was smirking. Cas knew I wasn't all that comfortable with giving over power just yet, and he respected that. He respected me.

"All in your own time." He told me quietly, giving me one last smile before turning away from me in the bed and reaching for his underwear that lay on the floor somewhere.

I stared at his back as he moved and my mind didn't let me think.

"I love you."

It was hurried and not really profound, but it was easier with his back to me. I didn't think I wanted to say it but I had, and it felt...right.

I watched as Cas turned around slowly to face me, he stared at me for a long time and I couldn't read his facial expression. I was starting to get worried, he didn't say anything and his eyes just stayed on me. I'd upset him, hadn't I? Said the wrong thi...

Then he was on me, before I could finish the thought. Kissing me like I didn't have a choice, I was so shocked for a second that my body froze up, but it didn't take long before I started to respond. I couldn't think at all and I didn't care about anything when Cas pushed me back onto the bed...

…

Sam POV

The next day

Bobby and I were pawing through some books about old lore, trying to find something out about this new job. We couldn't tell what we were up against yet, and it would have gone a lot quicker if Dean was there last night. But when it got to midnight and he didn't show at Bobby's I assumed that he'd picked up someone from a bar like usual.

When he turned up at noon the next day I rolled my eyes. He sat down next to me at Bobby's kitchen table and rubbed his eyes.

"Was she any good?" I joked, "hey Cas." I said off-handedly, catching a glimpse of Castiel as he had walked in after Dean.

"Hello, Sam." Cas answered, whilst Dean shook his head at my comment.

"So she finally shows up." Bobby joked, walking back into the kitchen and leaning against one of the counter tops. "What happened to you last night?"

"Nothing!" Said Dean abruptly, more defensive than usual. I stared at him, confused. He looked away.

"I must return to heaven briefly." Cas spoke up, causing us all to look at him. "I'll return shortly." He told us.

"Oh, okay." I said, "See ya, Cas."

"See ya." Bobby agreed.

I stared as Dean kinda discreetly smiled as he looked at Cas, a shy little smile, too.

"Bye." He said.

"Goodbye." Cas directed at him, kinda smiling too, before disappearing. Cas _never_ smiled. I glanced at Bobby and saw he was staring at Dean, I looked back to my brother, wondering what the hell that exchange was all about.

Dean was grinning to himself, like he was really happy about something. Suddenly, his head snapped up and he looked between me and Bobby, defensive again.

"What?" He asked, standing up. "I...need to get something from the Impala..." and with that trailed off sentence, Dean was out of the kitchen.

I waited thirty seconds 'til he'd definitely be out of ear shot then swivelled around in my chair and stared at Bobby.

"Bobby..." I began slowly, grinning slightly, "do you think..Dean and Cas...?"

Bobby grinned back. "You think...? Maybe...there'll be an angel in the family...haha."

I laughed along with him, happy laughing. Maybe...

…

Castiel POV

Present day

I finally stood up, the dust that once was the Leviathans all over me. ….God...he must have come through for me after all.

"Hey, man, you okay?"

I suddenly heard from behind me, that voice...I knew that voice...

I stopped wiping the Leviathan dust from my clothes and turned around, feeling the pain as my vessel was heavily bruised and injured.

Then I saw him..standing there. Everything I had, every ounce of being and _hope_ that I had came rushing back.

Dean.

I smiled, hugely. Even though I was in pain, and confused. Nothing else mattered, I just smiled.

"Hello, Dean." I said, the only thing I could think of in my shock.

I felt my heart jump slightly at the confusion in Dean's eyes, and at the shy smile on his lips. Dean didn't look like he could think straight, but he was still smiling.

"Cas?"

I stared at him, I couldn't help it. I could have stared at him forever and it wouldn't be long enough. I wanted to talk to him, to say so many things. I wanted to tell him about the Leviathans and what had happened to me, I wanted to tell him I'd been able to see him everyday and that I'd spoken to Sam, I wanted to tell him every single thought I'd had about him since I'd been gone and how sorry I was about purgatory, and that no matter how much I beg him he should never forgive me.

But, and I blame my time with Humans for this, only one thing came out of my mouth.

"I love you."

Dean stared at me, and I couldn't tell what he was thinking, but I knew the look. That look he gave me like I was the only thing in the world, nothing else mattered. Not for the moment, anyway.

"I love you, too."

Hearing him say those words...it took my mind back to the first time he'd said them, hurriedly like he wasn't aware he was saying it. I remembered what I had done then, I had jumped at him and kissed him like my existence depended on it because I couldn't control myself, and that is exactly what I found myself doing again. I put my arms around him and kissed him, feeling him kiss me back.

I knew in that moment that what had kept me going all this time trapped with the Leviathans was faith. Faith in what I most believed in.

And the thing I most believed in was in my arms right now.

…

Sam POV

I stared at my brother in his intimate embrace with Castiel. I...I didn't...I knew I should leave them to this private moment or I should be feeling some kind shock or confusion, or some kind of betrayal that Dean never outright told me about him and Cas, I'd always kinda known but I'd had to guess a lot.

I could only think of one thing to do.

I leant down to Bobby, who glanced slightly at me with raised eyebrows.

"I freakin' _knew_ it!"


	6. Textbook Perfect Moment

As I find my way back to you...

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

A/N: Wow, still so amazed at the success of this story, and really, massive, massive thank you's to every person who reads and reviews. Oh, golly, I've been writing for a while now but I'm still kinda new to "these" kind of chapters, so feel free to shout at me if it's terrible :) reviews much appreciated, hope you enjoy x

Chapter 6: Textbook Perfect Moment

Dean POV

After the kiss ended we still didn't move from that spot, we couldn't. We were just staring at each other, out of shock, I think.

I was in shock, anyway. I could still barely think straight. But this moment, right now. This was _it,_ this was what _everything meant._

It was at this point, I reckon, that Cas and I realised we were staring at each other, and with no planning, we both just started laughing at each other, in complete unison, innocently mocking how stupid we both must have looked.

"Are...are you really okay?" I finally asked, looking over the bruises on his body. I knew Cas was a fighter and it took hell to get one over on him, but he'd taken a bad ass beating from those sons of bitches.

I couldn't help but smile slightly in pride as I realised he gave as good as he'd got.

"Don't worry." Cas said finally, like he was trying to make me feel better. "I'll heal quickly."

I nodded at him, I knew that was true. Those bruises looked like they might last a little longer than usual but he'd be fighting fit by tomorrow.

I saw Cas was looking at me a little confused, like he couldn't put two and two together about something. I stayed quiet until he spoke.

"Dean...what are you doing here?"

Then I suddenly remembered that there were other people in the room, other people like Sam and Bobby and...God.

I tried not to shake my head as I thought about it, the odds that we found Cas today.

It was the closest I was ever gonna get to believing in destiny.

"I...err, God helped us get rid of the Leviathans, Cas."

Cas then looked past me as he looked over God, over his father, for the first time in a long time and I recognised that look on his face.

Because it was a look I saw in the mirror whenever Dad would come home from a hunt.

"Father..." began Cas. "You...you came?"

"I couldn't leave you." God replied solemnly, with care in his voice. I looked back to Cas and saw that he was trying not to smile.

"Now that you're out of exile, you can return to heaven with me." He said.

I turned back to God. "Yeah," I agreed, "and you can help gank the Leviathans!"

I watched, confused, as God shook his head at me. "I cannot, I must go back into hiding."

"What?" Piped up Sam for the first time in this conversation.

"I took a big enough risk coming here today, I only did because of Castiel and his love for this mortal."

Cas and I shared a look.

When we turned back, God was walking away with Joshua in tow.

"Wait a second!" I began, "you can't just leave!"

Next think I knew, Joshua was squaring up to me. "How dare you question our Lord's motives?" He questioned, sounding pissed.

I just pushed him out of the way. "I'll question you all I freakin' want." I told God. "If you don't do something about the Leviathans a lot of people are gonna die!"

"And if I do come with you to hunt the Leviathans and they bind me, a whole lot more people are going to die." He retorted, but he didn't sound angry. Just patient.

"I cannot stop the Leviathans until they are rendered incapable of performing that spell." And with that, God and Joshua were gone.

We all stared at the spot where they had been for a long moment before I turned away.

"Dick!" I half-shouted, angry.

Then I felt Cas put his arm around me, I turned to face him. "God is only doing what he thinks is best." He tried to explain. "Even if it isn't the best decision."

I wondered for a long moment why in the hell Cas was on God's side in this. But then I remembered all of the times I had followed my Father's every order, even if I didn't agree with them. I pulled Cas a little closer.

"What the hell are we gonna do?" Asked Sam finally.

"The only thing we can do," Bobby replied, "we find a way to stop the Leviathans from doing that spell."

…

Castiel POV

They made me sit down on the couch in Bobby's home, whilst Bobby himself and Sam leant against the wooden cabinet on the other side of the room. They both had their eyes on me and they were concerned for my well being, it was surprisingly unnerving.

Then, I became aware of Dean kneeling down on the floor in front of me, then he lifted his arm and pressed a cold compress to my forehead, where some of my worst bruising was. He began dabbing gently at the bruises and it felt good to have the cool sensation on my hot skin.

It was rare to see Dean being this gentle. I couldn't help but smile slightly.

"I have a feeling I'm being mothered." I joked gently.

Dean smiled in his concentration. "Yeah, well. Take it like a man."

I sighed slightly. "I'm healing slower than I thought." I admitted.

"Well," began Dean, still concentrating on the task of tending to my wounds. "You did take one hell of beating." He reminded me.

"Don't worry, though-" he continued, "I'm gonna look after you, you'll be just fine." He spared me a sweet little smile and I melted a tiny bit. The feel of Dean's gentle fingers against my skin as he carefully placed the cold compress to another area of my body, my neck, was almost too much to bear. And I couldn't help but be touched when Dean had promised to look after me.

"Well, you better be." Said Sam, catching my attention. "We're not losing you again."

Next to him, Bobby nodded. "It's good to have you back, son."

_Son, _I reflected. I stared at the pair of them , again touched, but this time by their warm welcomes.

"Thank you." I told them earnestly, before clearing my throat. "I...apologise for my display at the abandoned school," then I looked directly at Dean, "I'm sorry I did that in front of Bobby and Sam."

Dean smiled at me reassuringly, but I could still see the hidden anxiety in his eyes.

"Now hold on a second," began Bobby, causing both Dean and myself to look at him. "We don't give a damn what's going on between you two, we just want you to be happy. We ain't gonna treat you no different just 'cause you found a little happiness in each other."

"Yeah, guys..." Sam re-iterated. "You guys deserve it, we would never have judged you." He promised.

I saw the look of relief and...happiness...on Dean's face.

"Just, you 'no..." Sam grinned, "if you guys wanna get it on, do it in private."

I couldn't help but smile fondly as I watched Dean go bright red.

…

Dean POV

I turned the doorknob and walked into the spare bedroom in Bobby's house. Cas looked up and smiled as I walked in.

"Hey," I began, looking around. "Is...err, is the room comfortable enough."

"It's more than comfortable." Cas assured me. "Bobby is being very hospitable."

I shrugged slightly. "We just all wanna help you get on the mend," I told him, "plus, you're practically family now."

Cas looked up to me. "Do you think I'm family?" He asked, so innocently it almost hurt.

I scratched the back of my neck slightly and looked back at him. "Of course I do." I told him honestly, as our eyes locked together.

We stared at each other for a long moment, and all I wanted to do was sit next to Cas on the bed but he needed sleep...well, right, not sleep obviously, but peace and quiet.

"Right, well..." I began, breaking the comfortable silence. "I better leave you to it, let you get some rest..."

Before I could turn away, Cas had reached up and took my hand and pulled me down, closer towards him.

"Don't go." He said simply, "stay with me."

I stared at him cautiously for a moment, having to train my own damn self control at this point. "Are you sure?" I asked slowly.

"I'm sure," Cas told me, "Dean, I have wanted you for so long."

And that was all it took, I sat down slowly on the bed next to Cas and kissed him softly, definitely softly. I had to be gentle with Cas, he was still pretty bruised and fragile. I didn't even know what those Leviathans had done to him. With all I knew about torture, I didn't want to think about it.

"I want to be soft," I found myself telling him, "I don't wanna hurt you."

"Dean..." Began Cas, breathing heavily. "Fuck me." He begged.

And again, that was all it took. I was back to not thinking straight again. I pulled my tee shirt over my head and threw it on the ground, and I watched as Cas shrugged out of his own suit jacket and shirt.

I stared at his bare chest for a moment and then I put my arms around him and slowly lowered him onto his back onto the bed, before carefully climbing on top of him and kissing him again. I couldn't stop kissing him, soft, sloppy, open mouth kisses. Even if I lost air or stopped eating and sleeping for days.

What a great way to go.

I trailed my hand slowly down Cas's chest and undid the zipper on his pants and slipped my hand inside, stroking his prominent erection. Lost in the feel, I'd missed him so much, more than I'd realised.

I heard Cas groan and then felt him wrestle my pants and underwear down my thighs. I moved away carefully and kicked my clothes to the floor as I watched Cas shed the rest of his clothes until he was completely naked and lying on the bed, waiting for me.

Fuck.

He was so god damn beautiful.

I slowly crawled back to him, straddling him. He sat up slightly and our mouths connected again. I felt our erections rub against each other and we both moaned into each others mouths, Cas felt so good.

It was at that moment that Cas whimpered. "I can't take it any more, Dean." He breathed.

I pulled back and Cas moaned, disappointed.

I fumbled around in my jeans pocket until I found my wallet and grabbed the condom and packet of lube inside.

I got back onto the bed and knelt in front of Cas. I slowly rolled the condom onto my painfully hard cock and tore the lube packet open. I began to rub it onto myself and moaned softly from the stimulation.

I noticed Cas was staring at me almost hungrily, so I leant forward and began rubbing the remaining lube onto his hole. Cas moaned loudly as I slipped one finger, followed by another into him. I gripped his dick and began jerking him off in time to the thrust of my fingers. Cas's moans got louder and needier and I realised I wasn't gonna last much longer. I could have come just from those noises alone.

God, I wanted to fuck Cas so hard, but I couldn't. Not now, he'd been through so much...

My earlier thoughts about what those S.O.B's might have done to Cas came back to me, but I couldn't shake them off so easily this time, they swam around in my peripheral vision and I felt something like despair build up in my stomach.

No! I forcibly reminded myself, Cas is here, with me. He's safe.

I was pulled out of these thoughts when I realised that Cas had reached up and was running a hand across my chest. I looked down at him.

"Are you okay?" Asked Cas, looking worried.

I just smiled reassuringly at him. "Of course I am." I told him, leaning down to kiss him again as I began to push into Cas with gentle, fluid movements.

Cas moaned loudly and arched his back and that drove me crazy, like it always did, but I kept my pace.

I pushed in and out of Cas slowly. With deep, languid strokes.

"I love you." Cas panted, and I couldn't help but moan.

"I can't...last much longer." I managed to tell him. Cas reached out and pulled me down, pulled me deeper into him.

"Come with me." He begged.

After a few more moments and a few more torturous strokes I heard Cas moan loudly and felt him tighten around me. So impossibly tight I thought I might explode from the feeling.

I buried my head into the crook of his neck and whimpered as I finally let myself go, I came hard and fast and felt Cas's come splash against my stomach. Cas made small keening noises as he shared our orgasm.

As we rode out our sexual high, I was vaguely aware of Cas putting his arms around me and stroking my back slowly.

This has to be the official definition of a perfect moment.

…

Castiel POV

Not long after I was sat alone on the bed, waiting for Dean to come back. I couldn't get what had just happened out of my head.

Even thought my sexual experience was limited that had been the best feeling in the whole of existance.

I was still only half there, half in the room, half in this vessel.

I'd missed Dean even more than I'd realised. I'd never thought before I met him one person could give another so much pleasure.

I looked up as I heard the doorknob turn and saw Dean walking back into the room. He'd only put his boxers back on and he now had something tucked under one arm that I couldn't see properly. I was too busy admiring his perfect body, and couldn't help undressing him with my eyes.

I heard Dean chuckle and I looked up to meet his eyes.

"You're staring." He told me obviously.

I shrugged before saying playfully, "I like the view."

Dean chuckled again but he still looked down, embarrassed.

I got out of the bed and walked to him, kissing him softly.

"You took a long time." I told him, wanting to keep Dean right next to me every minute of every day if I could.

"Yeah..." Began Dean slowly, "I, wanted to bring you something..."

He held out the thing under his arm to me and I realised that it was my trench coat, the one I had lost when the Leviathans had taken me prisoner.

I slowly took the coat into my hands and couldn't help the tears welling up in my eyes. But it wasn't the coat itself that was making me cry.

Dean laughed softly and brought my face back to his, wiping a tear from my cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry."

"You kept this?" I asked him quietly, even though I knew it was a stupid question.

Dean blushed a little, slightly embarrassed and shrugged.

"Well," he began, "I figured you'd want it back when you found your way back home."


	7. Textbook Awkward Moment

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

Chapter 7: Textbook awkward moment

Sam POV

I was watching them from the kitchen, and I didn't really know why. They were sat on Bobby's couch, just talking to each other. They weren't making out or all over each other, they were just talking.

I'd never known Dean to "just talk" to something he wanted to hit. But I guess what Dean and Cas have is the real deal. Wow – the real deal.

I thought I would have guessed, maybe even from really early on; that Dean was gay, I mean.

And I don't mean because it would be glaringly obvious or I have an amazing gay-dar...I just mean because we've spent our whole lives with each other. I know Dean better than anyone and can read him like a book so I'm kinda ashamed I didn't pick up on that fact. I could've helped him out, maybe even helped him through.

When I expressed this all to Bobby, though, I wasn't expecting the response I got back.

"Dean isn't gay." Bobby had simply said. Not in a denial kind of way and with no real shock and surprise, like he'd figured it out a long time ago.

"What?" I'd asked, putting my amazing linguistic skills out there for the world to admire.

"He's not gay," Bobby said again, like I was finding it hard to keep up with him. "What he and Cas have with each other ain't 'cause their both men...it's what's inside. You can tell when you're lookin' in someone's eyes and not at their bodies."

As I watched Bobby say this, too profound for an early morning and just Bobby in general, I could tell he was seeing then ghost of his dead wife, Karen, in his mind's eye. It was sad.

It wasn't fair.

"So-" I began, changing the subject from something painful to something productive. There was too much pain right now.

"Have you come up with anything?" I asked Bobby.

"Just Jack squat," Bobby answered me, sounding a bit defeated. "I've tried callin' a couple'a folks and all I can come up with is...well, you ain't gonna like it, son."

Sentences like that always scared me. But then I began to wonder what Bobby thought he could suggest that wouldn't have scared me.

"Bobby, what do you think we need?"

Bobby sighed as he stared at me.

"We need a witch, Sam."

Oh.

Oh no.

"Bobby..."

"Look!" He interrupted me, sounding really vexed all of a sudden. "If it's a spell God wants gone then that's what we gotta do. Spells are witches territory last time I checked."

I sighed despite myself. "Yeah, I know, it's just...you 'no, whenever we've asked witches for help in the past...they haven't exactly been "helpful"."

"Yeah," Bobby agreed with me, "I've had my own fair share of those scheming she-devils, but this is the only thing we got."

Bobby was right, as usual. And, as usual, we had run out of options. The only way God would help us would be if he was perfectly safe, it's smart, I guess.

"How does that even work?" I voiced out loud, "how do you just get rid of a spell?"

Bobby shrugged slightly. "I doesn't make a lick of sense, but it's gotta be done somehow."

I must have been looking as grave as I felt because of what Bobby said to me next.

"Come on, kid, chin up. No one's dying..."

Yet.

"...we'll get through this, or go down swinging."

"Yeah." I said, a little sceptically.

"Hey," Bobby continued, "we've been having victories so far, we found Cas, and your brother has finally picked his ass up off the floor."

"Yeah." I said, a little better this time. Bobby was right, aside from the Leviathans, things were kinda...good. Kinda working.

"Yeah, yeah, you're right." I reinforced to myself. "I guess I better go run this witch theory past Dean, see what he makes of it. Thanks, Bobby."

I touched my surrogate father affectionately on the arm and left the kitchen and headed for the lounge, I didn't even think.

"Hey, Dean, listen, Bobby thinks..."

Cas and Dean were staring at each other seriously, their hands were in entwined. Now I think about it, Cas was talking.

They both stared at me and jumped away from me awkwardly. I felt the blush rise in my cheeks and in that moment felt like the worlds biggest idiot.

…

Dean POV

We were just talking. We weren't doing anything else, we were just talking. About everything and nothing.

I was finding it kinda strange to look at Cas, not in a bad way, but having him here, with me, and having Sam and Bobby knowing, official knowing, it all just seemed surreal.

Like if I burst my own protective bubble and stepped back into reality it was all gonna shatter in my face.

I couldn't have that, I couldn't cope with that.

Cas could cope, though. He was being amazing, I can't even imagine what it must have been like, being possessed by a Leviathan, and I can't even imagine what the Leviathans might have done to him...he was just smiling, well, you 'no, for Cas. Like nothing had happened, like things were all good again.

Things _were_ good, that was the truth but...some things just don't go away with a band aid.

"Hey, Cas?" I asked him finally, he had his eyes closed and he was leaning into me, it was easier when he wasn't looking into my eyes.

"...what happened, in that school with the Leviathans?"

I felt him stiffen immediately and I knew I'd said the wrong thing. Maybe I'd made him angry? Or upset? Or ashamed?

But he just sighed.

"What do you mean, exactly?" He finally replied, and I couldn't believe he was going to make me say it.

"...what did they..." I tried, "what...did they do anything?"

Cas turned to face me then. That was all he did. He just stared directly at me with no expression on his face, like he just wanted to sit there and drink in the sight of me forever. It was kind of unnerving.

Cas stared at me for such a long time I didn't think he was going to answer. I barely remembered what I'd asked him in he first place, until he spoke.

"I could...see you."

What? Cas could see me? I didn't understand.

"What do you mean?" I asked him, confused. And Cas sighed again as I tried to figure out what was wrong.

But Cas carried on defiantly. "I don't understand it, but I could see you. I could watch you, all the time..." Cas broke away from me and stared at the floor. "...see you suffering."

"Cas..." I began immediately, unsure of what to say. Cas had seen...my most private moments of grief, and pain...and it was all because of him.

"I didn't understand what it meant..." he continued dejectedly, still staring at the floor. "But I quickly realised it was the most effective type of torture."

The last thing I expected to be feeling in this moment was embarrassment. Embarrassment that every time I'd cried or fallen apart, run away from Sam or Bobby to be alone, Cas had always been there. He'd seen it all, he'd seen what a wimp I was.

Suddenly I felt the need to justify myself, but I didn't think I could.

"Every since I was a kid," I found myself explaining to him, causing Cas to turn back to me. "-I always had to be a kind of Dad to Sammy..." as I said this, I saw memories of what I was telling Cas float in my peripheral vision. Back then, things were so much easier but so much harder.

"Well," I actually found myself admitting to another living creature for the first time. "I guess I had to be a kind of Mom. And I go around saving people...I always thought I was so strong. I could take on anything. But without you...I became this, this weak, vulnerable thing!" I sighed heavily, defeated. "I was pathetic."

Suddenly, I felt pressure on my hand and I felt Cas slid his fingers into mine, I stared at our entwined hands for a long moment before Cas spoke.

"you're not pathetic, Dean." He told me in all seriousness, "everything you are saying is not true, you are the strongest person I know."

A small part of me was saying that Cas was making all this up to make me feel better, but the larger part of me didn't believe what I was thinking at all.

"Dean," Cas continued, staring directly into my eyes, keeping me there. "I promise you..."

"Hey, Dean, listen, Bobby thinks..."

And that's when Cas and I turned immediately to see Sam walk into the room and stop right in front of us, the large red blush on his cheeks said it all.

On instinct more than anything else, I dropped Cas's hand and we broke apart from each other awkwardly. Sam just stood there, staring at us and blushing, and I didn't get to hear what Cas was gonna promise me.

"Sam." I tried to greet him as formerly as possible for some stupid reason.

"Dean," he said back, without thinking. He'd obviously tagged on that he'd interrupted something personal. "Cas..." he continued, sitting down opposite us, pretending like nothing had happened.

"Err...yeah, I was err, speaking to Bobby and he thinks it would be best to contact some kind of witch, see if they can do anything about that spell God was talking about."

Now things were serious again, it was time to worry again.

"And how are we gonna do that?" I countered, "we don't even know what spell it is."

"Well, actually-" began Sam, "-I've done a little digging, and it turns out, there is some old lore about ancient spells that can supposedly bind God, people just never believed them."

Before I could reply to Sam, Cas interrupted me. "The one weakness of the Leviathan race is their arrogance, they believe that they can say or do anything in front of any of their prisoners because they would never get away, like me."

"Cas...?" Began Sam slowly, "what are you saying?"

Cas looked between me and Sam as he continued and I listened intently.

"The Leviathans often spoke a witch they were trying to recruit. Her name is Desoria. This often worried me, as her reputation proceeds her."

Sam and I gave each other the same look.

"Well, I've never heard of her." I told Cas.

"No, me neither." Sam said.

"She is said to be the most powerful witch of this time," Cas explained, sounding rueful. I momentarily wanted to ask him why but I let it go; bigger fish.

"Wow," said Sam after a long silence, not sounding happy. "If the Leviathans have a powerful witch on their side, that's not good."

"We'll have to find her." I said finally, "kill her if we have to. But we need God's help to kill the Leviathans, or get them back into purgatory at least."

"Again, I apologise for the crassness of my father." Cas said, and my tolerance for Cas's unnecessary apologise broke.

"Will you quit saying sorry?" I told Cas, "whatever God decided to do, it's not your fault. Okay?"

"He's right, Cas." Sam agreed, smiling shallowly in Cas's direction. "You can't control your father. But how are we gonna find this witch?"

"We could ask Bobby," I said, thinking of nothing better. "Maybe he could call someone who knows where we might find her? Maybe one of Dad's old contacts might have some info?"

Sam was looking at me like that wasn't a bad idea, or at least not a bad place to start.

"I should be able to locate her efficiently," Cas piped up, "but she may have found a way to hide herself from the heavens."

"She sounds powerful," Sam said, "if we could get her on side we might actually stand a chance against the Leviathans, we might not even need God!"

I couldn't help but snort at this, earning their stares. "You're sounding strangely optimistic about this, aren't you?" I directed at Sam.

"Oh, come on-" Cas said, a small trace of a smile on his lips. "We kicked Leviathan ass once, we can do it again."

And that, that right there, was why I loved him.


	8. No Fear

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

A/N: Slight plotline for the story progressing forward, but this is really just a cute Dean/Cas chapter, to try and chase away the angst from the season 8 premiere promos, and also because I'm a hopeless romantic x

Chapter 8: No fear

One year ago

Cas POV

"It must be a nice freedom," I began, causing Dean to look up from his Fathers journal and stare inquisitively at me.

"What freedom?" He asked, looking confused.

"Being able to go anywhere-," I continued, looking out of the window of the dreary motel room to the dank parking lot outside, the only outstanding feature being Dean's sparkling Impala.

"-to be able to do anything, theoretically." In all honesty, it had been Dean's prized vehicle that had given me this train of thought. It occurred to me that Sam and Dean go everywhere in that car, and see the world trickle past them while they get there.

I was brought out of my reverie as I watched Dean stand up and walk towards me from the other side of the room. He put his arms on my shoulders and began lightly massaging some of the ever-present tension from them.

It still shocked me how gentle Dean became when his defences were down.

"It's not the sort of freedom you'd like to think it is," he told me, his husky voice in my ear.

"Well, it's some semblance of freedom." I countered, "I mean, you have a job to do but you're not soldiers. It's more than you get when you're an Angel."

Dean then startled me by swivelling me around so I was facing him, but his hands were still on my shoulders.

"You have that too, Cas." He informed me, a small smile ghosting over his lips. "Here on Earth, you have the same freedom as me."

Dean's smile only grew wider, "we can go places, of course we can." Dean promised me, still smiling. "If that's what you want."

I felt a form of happiness in my vessel. "Really?" I asked, suddenly matching his smile.

"Sure," he assured me.

In my mind I started thinking of all the places I'd glimpsed as I watched down on Earth, thinking about the things I most wanted to discover.

"The whole Earth has so many things," I told Dean, a bit obviously. "I wouldn't know which country to start in."

Suddenly, Dean's smile faltered slightly, and there was something else in his eyes.

"Dean?" I asked carefully.

…

Present

Bobby POV

He picked up on the second ring, but I'd known Jerry long enough to know he didn't waste time; thought there wasn't enough time to waste.

"Hello?" Came Jerry's southern drawl, muted slightly by the bad signal through the phone line.

"Hey Jerry-" I began, "it's Bobby."

"Bobby!" Jerry exclaimed. "How you doing? How are the boys?"

I smiled to myself briefly, my boys. "Yeah, boys' are great," I answered truthfully, "'Cept they got themselves into a bit of a pickle, again." I rolled my eyes, "that's why I'm calling, see if you could help us out?"

"What do you need?" Asked Jerry immediately. Straight to business.

"You ever heard of a witch called Desoria?" I asked, hoping to God that he had.

I heard him snort on the other end of the line. "You kidding Bobby? Who hasn't? Why, you got some spell trouble?"

I nodded to myself, feeling like "trouble' didn't do it justice.

"We need to figure how to undo an ancient spell, and apparently she's the only one who can help us."

I heard Jerry take a long breath. "Ancient spells are pretty sticky, and damn hard to break."

"That's why I'm calling," I admitted, growing slightly frustrated. "Needed could see if any soul could help find her."

"Sorry Bobby, I can't help you out." I heard Jerry say earnestly, I sighed in disappointment and annoyance.

"Although…" continued Jerry, "I might know someone who can."

"Really?" I asked immediately, hoping I didn't sound as desperate as I felt.

"Yeah, friend of mine," Jerry continued, "lives in Russia."

…

" I just got off the phone with Jerry," I began, walking into the kitchen, Sam, Dean and Cas all looked up from their respective places. Dean and Cas sat together, of course.

"Jerry?' Asked Sam, perplexed.

"Someone your Dad introduced me to about 10 years ago." I explained briefly, "he's like a living Supernatural library. You need something, you go to Jerry."

"And?" Asked Dean.

"He doesn't know anything about ancient spells," I admitted, seeing all three of their faces fall in unison. "But he knows someone who can." I clarified, watching their heads lift suddenly, it was like watching freakin' Meerkats.

"Where is this person?" Asked Castiel, sounding sombre as ever.

"Russia." I told them, I didn't like the thought of going to Russia personally, but the job had to be done.

"Well, that's alright," began Sam, being reasonable. "Castiel can just Angel-sap us to Russia and…"

"No." Said Dean suddenly, interrupting Sam and causing his brother and his Angel to stare at him.

"Cas can't take us anywhere," Dean continued, "he's still recovering from the first Leviathan attack."

"Dean," began Cas, his voice sounding softer, "I'm capable of transporting…"

"Not yet you're not," said Dean, looking at Cas. "You need to take it easy, I'm not gonna let you hurt yourself."

I'm not sure if I imagined Cas smiling slightly, especially after he just got rebuffed.

"We're just gonna have to find another way to get to Russia." Dean said.

"Dean," began Sam, "the only other way without Cas is to take an Aeroplane."

"Crap." Said Dean under his breath while Cas looked at him.

"I'll pack some barf bags." I said half-sarcastically as I walked back out of the room.

…

One year ago

Dean POV

"Dean?" Asked Cas carefully, looking at me with worry in his eyes. I knew my reaction to his sentence was writing across my face. Usually I would have covered it up, but I couldn't seem to hide anything around Cas.

"It's not you." I said immediately, taking my hand off of his shoulders,

"It's…well," I felt the embarrassment in my stomach, I turned away slightly. "I…it's sort of embarrassing."

"Dean." I felt a warm hand on my shoulder, I turned back to Cas. "You don't need to be embarrassed, you can tell me anything."

"I just…" I began tentatively, feeling Cas's blue eyes on me, unnerving me. "I…don't like flying."

"What?" Asked Cas, sounding confused.

"Well, you were talking about going out of the country and I've never really been out of the country much because Aeroplanes scare me…a bit." I said that all in a complete babble so I was surprised Cas actually caught any of it.

"Why are you afraid of planes?" Asked Cas, looking inquisitively.

"Just the feeling, I guess." I told him. "It sort of feels like…" I stopped for a minute, trying to find the words.

…

CAS POV

We'd all boarded the plane at this point, and it was a long flight to Russia, or at least that's what I was told.

"How are you feeling?" I asked Dean.

"Yeah, course." Said Dean with a fake bluster I could see right through.

"Dean…" I began, but before I could say anything more, the plane lurched forward and we began to move down the runway. I looked and saw Dean's hand in a vice like grip over the seat rest. I smiled slightly despite myself, seeing the stress in Dean's eyes. I gently put my hand on top of his as the plane took off. I knew what was happening to him, his heart was beating faster than it should have been, and he had a strange feeling in his stomach.

"No fear, remember?" I said softly as we lurched into the sky.

I felt Dean's hand relax beneath mine, and he turned to me and tried to smile, a bead of sweat on his forehead. I didn't even get to laugh before he leant forward and kissed me.

…

One year ago

Dean POV

"It feels like…" I finally decided, "it makes your heart beat faster than it should," I tried to explain as CAS watched me. "And there's a strange feeling in your stomach."

"But…" began CAS, looking confused. "That sounds like the Human description of love."

I tried not to laugh slightly at myself, suddenly realising the similarity in my words, and trying not to laugh at the irony of the man I love talking to me about love.

"There are different," I explained, "the feelings are essentially the same…but there is a big difference."

"What's that?" Asked CAS softly.

"…Because with love…" I began, trying to find the words and trying not to blush at the same time. "With true love…" I looked up into Cas's ice blue eyes and suddenly the words came. "…There's no fear in that."


	9. People Are Just Crazy

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters, they belong to their respective owners.

Chapter 9: People are just crazy

Cas POV

I watched as Sam and Bobby collected our minimal luggage from the Russian airport we were all standing in.

"How's he doing?" Sam called over his shoulder to me. I turned and looked in through the slightly ajar bathroom door I was propping open. I could still hear the almost distressing noises of Dean retching from within one of the cubicles. He'd been in there for 20 minutes now.

"It's all right, Dean," I called into the bathroom, not sure what else I was supposed to say, but I didn't want to leave him alone.

"Not good." I replied to Sam, although I mouthed it so Dean wouldn't hear me, he hated to have his weaknesses on display for everyone to see.

Another ten minutes later and we were all successfully out of the airport. Dean looked pale, but admittedly a lot better than he did on the flight. He admitted he felt better than he had on the flight as well.

Luckily I was able to speak fluent Russian, so we had decided to get directions to the nearest vehicle rental.

But until then we had to walk to it, and it was after midnight and almost pitch black on the streets. One thing Dean had always tried to teach me was to follow your gut instincts no matter what, because they seemed to keep you alive when you least expected it. I didn't listen to him tonight.

"So, who did this Jerry guy tell us to meet?" Asked Dean as we made our way down the darkened side-walk, not passing anyone.

"A psychic," Bobby answered, "Ulga, or at least that's what Jerry said her name was. Apparently she specialises in tracking down witches."

"Why?" Asked Sam, confusion evident in her voice.

Bobby sighed slightly. "Because she finds them, then she puts them down."

Dean stared at Bobby, and I understood the look in his eyes.

"What are the chances she has already disposed of Desoria?" I Asked, concerned.

Bobby shrugged. "No idea," he admitted, "but I guess if she's as powerful as she's supposed to be, she should be able to protect herself, maybe even from Ulga."

"So you're saying we might have come to Russia for nothing?" Asked Dean, sounding vexed, I instinctively reached a hand out to him.

Bobby looked between us all. "Look, I dunno what to expect," he said, annoyed. "We're grabbing at fine hairs. I'm following any lead we got."

"Yeah, we know, Bobby." Sam assured his surrogate father, shooting Dean an exasperated look.

Dean looked apologetically back, but I knew Sam understood the position flying put Dean in.

"You're right," Dean said finally, taking my hand discreetly behind his back. I smiled slightly. "We gotta follow any lead we got, so, where does this woman liv...?"

Dean suddenly got cut off by a man jumping from the darkness and blocking Dean's path.

"Give me your money." He said, but in Russian. Dean stared at the man for a minute, then looked up to me for help. "He said he wants your money." I explained, feeling slightly uncomfortable in a hostile situation.

"Oh," said Dean, looking shocked. "Listen Buddy," he addressed the man, "I'm sure we can work this out, just stay calm..."

Dean and I both turned immediately to the sound of Sam yelping in surprise. Behind us, another man had Sam in a headlock. Sam lashed out blindly with a powerful kick and he let go, recoiling in pain. He cursed as another man, totalling three now, stepped out behind a parked car and suddenly all four of us were being surrounded.

"We can't seriously be getting jumped?" Asked Bobby incredulously.

"I think we may have angered them." I began, earning three looks of pure confusion. I think I may have stated the obvious again. "I should teleport us away from here." I said, my eyes darting between the three men, all walking slightly closer to us and talking quietly to each other.

"Yeah." Sam managed.

I was just about to click my fingers and teleport all of us to safety when suddenly I found myself sailing off of my feet into the air. I heard Dean call out but then I was on the floor, the first man to approach us leaning over me. He must have pushed me to the ground. He put his hand around my throat, I tried to push him away, put I didn't have the strength to. I'd been more injured in both the Leviathan attack and being a host to a Leviathan army than I had let on, and it was taking me longer to recover than they thought. I was still weak.

I heard Dean call my name in desperation, I could angle my head enough to see him swiftly punch one of the men in the face, full force, instantly knocking him to the ground. Bobby launched forward and pushed the man off of me. I stood up immediately as Bobby battled with the man on the floor. Dean ran to help until he froze, he had seen the same thing I had seen.

A flash of silver in the night.

Then suddenly, the switchblade of the third man plunged deep into Sam's side. Sam screamed out, Bobby abandoned the man on the floor, he then stood and ran straight for Dean, he was too quick for me to stop.

"SAM!" Dean called out, distracted. So distracted he wasn't paying attention to the man barrelling for him. I shouted out as Dean was pushed roughly backwards, his skull colliding aggressively with the brick wall behind us. I shouted out and ran to Dean as he collapsed on to his knees, I knelt next to him, and saw the blood pouring from the back and the side of his head.

Dean, however, pushed me away and crawled, on his knees, to Sam, who was collapsed on the floor, hands clutched around his gushing side and choking in pain.

Behind me I was aware of Bobby pulling a gun from his jacket and sending a few warning shots into the air, causing the men to run.

But neither Sam nor Dean reacted to the shots, Dean was to busy clutching onto his brother and stemming his bleeding. All the while muttering reassurances to him and fighting for his own consciousness.

I almost felt like I was intruding on this intimate moments between the brothers.

I looked at Sam's wound, while not fatal in it's placement, would be if he lost too much blood.

I clicked my fingers and Dean and Bobby looked around in surprise as we were all suddenly in a hospital lobby. It was only a moment later that staff and a stretcher appeared through the doors, I watched as Sam got taken away, Dean and Bobby at his side.

I hung back, a bit breathless from the trip.

…

I watched Dean, sat next to me in the waiting room. He had his head in his hands and he hadn't said much in the whole time we'd been sat here. The Doctors hadn't come out to say anything to us. I had toyed with the idea of teleporting to Sam's bedside and checking to see if he was okay on a few occasions, but I had decided against it.

I didn't want to leave Dean alone, and not just because of his mental state, but because of his physical state, too. The blood on his head and neck was dried, but blood still trickled lightly from the cracked wounds on his head. I could see him blinking beneath his hands, clearly disorientated. I'd tried to convince him to see one of the Doctors but he refused to move until he knew Sam was going to be okay.

"Dean," I tried again for the umpteenth time, "you should really get yourself checked out, you may be concussed..."

I reached out my hand across to him, but pulled back in shock as he looked at me sharply, his eyes looked haunted.

"I'm not the problem here," he said angrily, "the problem here is Sam , he's the one I'm worrying about. I'm fine."

He then looked away, he was clearly not fine, in any respect of the word.

Before I could say anything, he had turned back to me. "And what about you back there?" He said angrily, "why didn't you fix Sam? Why did you just take us to a hospital and let him bleed out?!"

I felt the guilt rush through me as I stared into Dean's anger-filled eyes. He must have seen the shame and sadness in mine because his eyes softened slightly and he looked slightly concerned.

"Cas?" He asked slowly.

"Look, I'm...still..." I sighed slightly, "since the Leviathan's have been inside of me, my strength has been coming back gradually, but not as fast as you all think," I admitted to him, "I can only do certain things. Taking us to the hospital tonight, it nearly drained my battery."

I looked up to Dean, he didn't have anger in his eyes anymore. But I still had guilt and shame in mine. "I'm sorry, Dean." And I meant it, I really meant it. Sam could die, and Dean was really hurt and it was all my fault.

Dean sighed and shook his head slightly. "No, Cas. You didn't do anything wrong," he told me. "I shouldn't expect so much of you." He turned to face me. "I'm sorry I was angry, I'm just worried about Sam." He turned away again.

"I understand," I told him, leaning forward to kiss him on the forehead, away from his wounds and all the blood. But in Dean's fretful state, he shied away from the contact and stood up, leaving me just a little bit hurt even though I knew why he was acting this way.

"I'm going to get a coffee." He told me bluntly, and then he was out of the room. I sighed, I needed to keep an eye on Dean, I was worried about him, as I was worried about Sam.

Looking to see if anyone was watching, I teleported to Sam's bedside and saw him lying there, alone. A thick gauze around his side and sleeping, he looked slightly pained in sleep, but he looked okay.

A smile broke out across my face. Sam was stable, he was going to be okay. I touched Sam comfortingly on the shoulder even though I was sure he couldn't feel it, then I immediately teleported back to the waiting room to tell Dean Sam was going to be okay. He might let himself be checked out then.

But the waiting room was empty, he must have still been getting coffee. I walked out of the waiting room in search of him.

…

Dean POV

I walked away from the waiting room as quickly as I could. I didn't really want coffee, I just couldn't face Cas right now, I couldn't face anything. Sammy was in there and...

I closed my eyes to try and get those thoughts out of my head, I didn't need that shit right now. I just wanted Sammy to be okay.

But when I opened them, everything seemed out of focus for a minute and the sharp, stabbing pain in my head got even worse. I'd lied to Cas back there, I wasn't really okay, I was in so much pain and everything was going out of focus, I felt dizzy. But that wasn't the issue right now. Sam was.

I didn't even know what a blow to the head could do to a person, maybe...but then...everything started to get dizzy again, worse than before...

…

Cas POV

I turned the corner of the corridor, still there was no sign of Dean. I had passed 3 coffee machines at this point. Dean has just wanted to get away, and he was walking far.

The only reason I was sure he hadn't left the hospital was that Sam was still here. I'd already made up my mind, as soon as Dean knew Sam was going to be okay, I would take him to a Doctor. God knows what could happen to him if he goes untreated. I briefly wondered if we could track God down again then maybe I could ask...

And that's when I saw him.

Lying on the floor of the corridor, unconscious. Nurses and Doctors crowded around his unmoving form and blood from his head staining the carpet.

In that second, I could fully respect the pain he felt when he thought I was dead.

"DEAN!"


	10. Soul Searching

As I find my way back to you

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or any of the characters; they belong to their respective owners.

Chapter 10: Soul searching

Sam POV

I'd been awake for about a day now, and there was still no sign of change in Dean. When I woke up, I was swamped with such a sense of relief, that I was alive, that the pain was gone. That I'd be able to see my family again. Then Castiel told me, told me that Dean was lying unconscious in a bed in a room next to mine.

Physically, I was okay. I had a smallish scar on the side of my abdomen where the knife had been, but the Doctors said I was healing well. I felt a bit weak from blood loss but aside from that I was fine. But I felt sick, sick to my stomach at the sight of my brother lying there. At the thought that Dean had just gone through the same thing watching me. But most of all I was sick at the thought that it was all my fault he was lying there.

"What the hell happened to him?" Asked Bobby quietly, as we both sat in the hospital cafeteria. I was nursing a black coffee but I didn't want to drink it, I couldn't bring myself to do much.

"The…err, the Doctors say that Dean is suffering from an internal contusion," I explained, trying to distance myself as much as I could from the subject, otherwise I would just break down again. "They said they're gonna have to release the blood from his brain to see the full extent of the damage, there might even be…permanent damage."

"Oh, lord." Said Bobby quietly, his face falling into his hands. I'd heard the words enough now to be numb to them, I was numb to everything.

Bobby looked up to me, he looked like he was about to be sick. He looked like me.

"How in the hell did the boy get himself an internal contusion?" He asked, like he couldn't believe it. I cleared my throat again, feeling the pain sting in my head as I thought about the words, as I thought about how it was all my fault.

"Cas said…" I coughed slightly, "Cas said when I got stabbed, one of the guys hit Dean's head against the wall."

Bobby nodded. "Yeah, I saw that, he seemed disorientated but nothing major."

I nodded slightly. "Cas said when they were in the waiting room together, he saw that Dean was acting strange, losing focus, like he was concussed or something. Apparently Cas told him to get himself checked out, but he refused until he knew…until he knew I would be okay."

It was at that point, completely without warning, that I felt the tears suddenly escape from my eyes at my own words. The same thing had happened when Cas had told me the story for the first time.

I scrubbed the tears furiously away, as Bobby leaned over slightly and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

"Sam…" He began.

"It's my fault!" I choked out, "Dean is dying and it's my fault!"

"Sam!" Said Bobby suddenly, his grip on my shoulder tightening so suddenly that I looked at him.

"What?" I asked.

"This is not your fault!" He told me suddenly, "and you beating yourself up about this…is the last thing your brother would want!"

I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out, I couldn't fault him there. Dean would want me to be strong.

I nodded slightly and Bobby's grip on my shoulder loosened slightly and went back to being comforting. I looked up to Bobby and saw he had the same look in his eyes that I had in mine, he was just as worried about Dean as I was. But he had a grip on the situation, and that's what I needed too.

"Now we are gonna get through this." He, well, he _commanded_ me. And I trusted him completely. "Yeah?" He asked, seeking my conformation.

"Yeah," I nodded slightly.

"Right-" he began, looking around. "Where's Cas?"

"He's with Dean," I told him, sighing. My worry for Cas now returning slightly. "He hasn't left Dean's side since he found him unconscious."

Bobby rubbed his eyes like he was suddenly a lot more tired than he had been a few minutes ago. "Poor bastard," I heard Bobby say quietly, probably more to himself than me. "He must be going out of his mind."

…

Cas POV

I was sat in a chair directly next to the hospital bed, just watching him. Dean seemed so peaceful when he was asleep, like the weight of the world wasn't on his shoulders any more. Naturally, I suppose, I would have been thankful for that, but now, it was an unnatural sleep, much like when I would watch him drink himself into unconsciousness. I thought those times were over, I thought we could work towards being happy now. I looked over Dean's perfect face, the muscles around his jaw seemed lax but the muscles in his forehead were tense, almost like he was in pain.

I couldn't help but focus all of my attention on his closed eyelids, willing them to open. But no matter how much I wished, no matter how much I _prayed, _they never did.

"I don't suppose you can hear me-" I began finally, I didn't particularly know why I was talking. Maybe a small part of my subconscious believed he could hear me. Maybe it kept me sane.

"But, err… I want you to know," I took a deep breath, "I'm going to find a way to get strong again, and I'm going to get you out of this. I'm going to heal you, Dean. I promise."

I let my head fall into my hands, looking out through my fingers at Dean. At the wires linking him to the breathing apparatus, the heart monitor, at the bandaging around his head. If I'd never went in league with Crowley, if I'd never betrayed Dean and let those Leviathan's use me, if I wasn't so weak Dean would be fine now. He would be healed and walking and talking, I would be able to hold him and tell him how sorry I am and he'd be able to hear me.

"I'm so sorry, Dean." I told him, the words barely audible. I felt the tears falling freely from my eyes as I said this. I was new to crying, and it was a new sensation for me. But the pain was clear, too clear.

"Why did you have to do it?" I found myself saying to him, almost angrily. "Why couldn't you just have a Doctor look at you? Why do you have to be so stubborn?"

I breathed out slowly, willing myself to calm down. This wasn't Dean's fault.

"The reason I came looking for you was to tell you Sam would be okay," I admitted, I felt marginally relieved when the thought of Sam in good health came back to me. "He's okay, you 'no," I told Dean, again looking at his unwavering eyelids, "Sam, I mean. He's fine, up and walking. He's making a great recovery. I thought you'd like to know that."

I reached out and touched the side of Dean's face lightly. I had to close my eyes for a moment. His skin was colder than I was used too. Dean was usually such a beacon of warmth, when we were lying in bed together on the coldest Winter nights, all I had to do was cuddle into his chest and feel his arms wrapped around me and I'd be perfectly warm.

Thinking back to those nights made me feel better for a few seconds, it made me feel less alone, almost. And it gave me hope that the strong, unforgiving man I had fallen in love with would open his eyes and smile at me.

I slid my hand from his face, lightly brushing against his skin until I reached his hand, I took his hand into mine, making it warm again. I revelled slightly at the touch, the feel.

"I think Sam would be a lot better if he had his big brother around to look after him." I squeezed Dean's hand comfortingly as I felt another silent tear slide down my face.

"I'm not going to let anything happen to you," I told him, my breathing slightly laboured as I tried to find the right words. "But, I know it will put your mind at ease, so…I promise to look after Sam, I won't let anything happen to him."

More tears came but I fought not to be overcome, just for the slight chance that if Dean could hear me, he would want me to be strong.

I didn't wipe the tears away this time though. "But don't think that means you can just go and let go! You're too strong for that. And…" I breathed out again, wiping the moisture from my cheeks and stroking Dean's cold hand with my fingers. "And…we need you. I need you."

I ducked my head down and rested it against Dean's forearm, breathing in the familiar scent. "Please Dean, I need you. You can't go, I just found my way back to you...I love you..."

…

Sam POV

Bobby and I had decided that it was in Castiel's best interests to be away from Dean for a while, and that also gave me a chance to spend some time with my brother.

Cas had refused to leave the hospital though, if there was any news. But Bobby and I completely agreed with that too.

So we all ended up the hospital cafeteria again, I seemed to be living in the hospital cafeteria.

"Dean doesn't look like he's going to wake up any time soon." I told them both, Cas looked up to me and I couldn't look at him, Bobby ran a hand through his hair.

"This is my damn fault." He said suddenly.

"Your fault?" Asked Cas, sounding surprised.

"Bobby," I began softly, "why would you even think that?"

"If I'd never suggested going to Russia, we never would have come here and Dean wouldn't be in this situation, at risk of brain damage." He said the last one quietly.

"You were just doing your job," I told him, reaching over and patting him on the back. "You can't beat yourself up about this. If anything," I admitted, "this is my fault."

"Your fault?" Bobby asked suddenly, "how the hell did you come up with that?"

I sighed to myself. "If...if I paid more attention to the fight, I never would have gotten stabbed, Dean wouldn't have been distracted, he never would have gotten hit."

It almost felt good to have that out in the open, almost, if Dean weren't lying in a hospital bed because of me.

"I think you need to listen to your own advice, Sam." Began Cas, "this is not your doing. You shouldn't put yourself in that position of blame, especially not with your condition right now."

Cas cleared his throat. "If any of you had given it some thought, you would realise that this is all my fault."

He carried on talking before we could say a word. "If I'd never let the Leviathan's out, we wouldn't be in this situation. And," he sighed, "if I wasn't so weak, I could heal Dean right now."

I looked up immediately at that, not realising I'd been completely overlooking the best weapon in our arsenal. "Can you heal Dean?" I asked immediately.

"I would be able to," he told me, and I felt a small surge of hope in the pit of stomach. "But my powers have been dampened ever since the Leviathan attack. I'm not strong enough."

I looked between Cas and Bobby, not sure what to think. "Well, can't you...can't you just re-charge your batteries or something?"

"How do you propose I do that?" He asked rhetorically, staring down at his hands.

I knew Cas was only being snappy because he was worried about Dean, I tried not to take it personally.

"Hold on," began Bobby, "what about that time the boys were holed up with Samuel Colt?" He asked Cas, "you got the juice to get them back, from my soul."

"That was dangerous enough!" Cas nearly thundered, causing me to jump slightly. "I can't risk a Human life, especially not one of yours."

"But..." I began, "that's it, isn't it?" I asked excitedly, that small hope in my stomach was getting bigger and bigger with each passing second. Dean was gonna be okay.

"If you touch a Human soul, it'll give you the strength to restore your powers, and you'll be able to heal him!"

"Theoretically, yes." Cas answered, looking more solemn than usually. "But I may kill or severely harm that persons soul.

"Use me." I said immediately, mind throwing the consequences out of the window. "Use me, use my soul!"

"Sam, didn't you hear what I just said?" Asked Cas incredulously, "I could kill you! And even if it did work, Dean would never forgive me."

"Sam," began Bobby, "listen to Cas. It's too dangerous, and it's not what Dean would want."

"That is not the most important thing right now!" I told them desperately, almost angrily. "The most important thing right now is making sure that Dean is okay! No matter what it takes, I am telling you Cas, use my soul. Make him better!"

I saw Cas and Bobby exchange a look.

"You have to do it, Cas." I told him, quieter now. "Wouldn't you give anything to make sure Dean is alright?"

The look on Castiel's face said it all.

…

Cas POV

Sam lay shaking when I retracted my hand from him, I vaguely registered Bobby rushing to Sam's side, but all I could feel inside me was the overwhelming amount of power that was rushing through my body, making me whole again.

As soon as the high of my Angelic heritage began to lessen, however, I suddenly remembered what I'd had to do to reach it. I looked immediately towards Sam and Bobby, Bobby was stroking the sweat from Sam's forehead. Sam was still shaking slightly, and breathing heavily. But he was breathing.

"Sam?" I asked softly.

Sam's eyes slowly moved to me and he shot me a soft smile. "Hey Cas." He said, Bobby gestured for me to help him. Together we gently moved Sam onto a chair.

"How you feeling, son?" Asked Bobby, holding onto Sam to keep him stable, there was concern deep within his eyes.

"I'm fine," began Sam, choking out something close to a laugh. "I'm a little out of breath...man! That was the most uncomfortable feeling in the world."

I heard Bobby chuckle slightly and felt a small smile playing across my own lips.

"Hey, I saw that smile." Said Sam, breathlessly. "Do you think you have your powers back to full?"

"It certainly feels like it, hold on." I pressed my index finger and middle finger to Sam's forehead and felt that familiar rush as I passed my healing qualities on to him. As soon as I'd done that, Sam had his breath back. Bobby stared at me as Sam lifted his shirt, the knife wound had gone.

"Cas!" Bobby exclaimed, whilst Sam's face lit up.

…

_Please let this work_

I prayed, although I didn't exactly know who I was praying _to._ But I did pray, as Sam, Bobby and I all stood above Dean, lying unconscious in his hospital bed.

"Go on," said Sam quietly, urging me forward. I was filled with a sudden fear that I might actually hurt Dean, but I knew it was unjustified.

I placed my index finger and middle finger to Dean's forehead, that same rush of power.

I removed my fingers and we all watched as Dean's skin seemed to become visibly brighter.

Then, slowly, very slowly, Dean's eyes opened.

I sucked in a breath, unable to make a sound.

Dean angled his head slowly and stared at us, looking sleepy.

"Hey guys."

…

As soon as Dean had spoken, we were ushered out of the room by a team of Doctors that must have been monitoring Dean's recovery. We didn't even get to say hello. But one nurse had told us she'd tell us when we could go in and see him.

I felt such relief flow through my body as I saw his eyes open. Dean was going to be okay.

I looked to Sam and Bobby and the massive, relieved smiles on their faces said it all.

"You do realise-" began Sam, some time later, "that if Dean ever finds out we risked my life to save him, he'll go insane."

I shook my head slightly. "I hate the thought of lying to Dean," I told him honestly, "I don't think I can do it."

"Hey, I hate lying to Dean, too." Sam told me. "But we have to. He's up and about, that's all that matters."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Bobby agreed.

"Cas?" Asked Sam.

I turned to him, and nodded slowly.

"Excuse me," came the Russian accent of the same nurse we'd spoken to earlier. "you can go in and see your brother now." She spoke directly to Sam.

"Is he alright?" Asked Sam hurriedly.

"You 'no," began the nurse, "he has made the most remarkable recovery, the internal contusion is completely gone. He'll be just fine."

"That's...remarkable." Said Sam, unsure of what to say.

The nurse nodded, smiling. "I think your brother must have Angels watching over him."

…

Dean POV

I kept asking the Doctors when I could see them. I'd seen them, all right by my bedside. Sam, Bobby, Cas...

The Doctors said I had some sort of internal contusion, they thought I was gonna be brain damaged...but now I'm completely fine.

I guess there are no prizes for guessing which three people in the world worked some hoodoo over me.

I looked up from the bed as Sam, Bobby and Cas all walked in. Before I could say anything, Sam had his arms wrapped around me and was killing me in a tight hug, I just smiled and hugged him back. Then when he let go, Bobby was on me.

Then Cas, Cas moved forward slowly, smiling shyly. He kissed me, long and tender. And in that moment, I felt no embarrassment that Sam and Bobby were right there.

"How are you feeling?" Asked Sam. That goofy smile stuck to his face. Cas had refused to leave my side and was sat next to me on the bed, holding my hand. Out of comfort to himself, I think.

But then Cas hadn't left my bedside the whole time I'd been in here. I knew that.

"I feel fine." I told them, "so, what the hell happened?"

"You had an internal contusion," Bobby explained, "Cas found you unconscious in one of the corridors. They thought you'd have brain damage when you finally woke up."

It took me a moment to process all that, and to respect what a near miss that had been.

"How long was I out?" I asked.

"Four days." Said Sam.

"And Sammy," I began, adopting his goofy grin, "you're okay? I was so worried about you, man." I felt such relief that my baby brother was okay, I thought I'd lost him.

"I'm fine," Sam assured me, "it was nothing major anyway. Cas even healed the scar for me." He told me with a grin.

I turned immediately to Cas. "You healed Sam?" I asked.

Cas nodded. "Yes."

"Did you heal me too?" I asked, disbelievingly.

Cas nodded again, smiling slightly.

"How?" I asked, "I thought your batteries were drained?"

I saw a strange look flicker in Cas's eyes, but as soon as it was there, it was gone again. I chose to ignore it.

Cas merely shrugged slightly. "I must have been healing faster than I thought I was.

"You've got your powers back?"

"Yes."

I leant forward and wrapped him in a hug. Sam was fine, Cas was fine.

I couldn't really be having this good a day.

…

When the hospital finally discharged me, I made my way into the parking lot and to the rental car Sam and Bobby had picked up. I was rifling in the trunk for a change of clothes when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Cas walking across the parking lot to me.

"Hey," he said when he reached me, smiling.

"Hey," I said back, pulling him by the lapels of his trench coat into a soft kiss. I felt him respond, and when I pulled away I leant against his forehead slightly, eyes closed. Just breathing him in.

"I thought I'd never see you again." I told him honestly, relieved.

I pulled back and looked into his blue eyes. "Thanks for saving my life. Again." I laughed slightly.

"Don't thank me." Said Cas. "I did what I did, whatever I did, because I love you."

I was a bit confused by that, not really sure what he meant. "I love you, too." I told him, still slightly confused.

"Cas!" I called out in shock as Cas suddenly grabbed me, opened the car door and shoved me into the back seat, all the while supporting me with his arm around my back.

"Cas?" I asked again as I lay across the back seat and Cas settled in between my legs. Cas reached up to kiss me like he needed it more than air. I felt his tongue push into my mouth and I couldn't help but moan at the familiar feel.

When he pulled away I was dizzy with the lack of oxygen. I looked down to see Cas unbuckling my belt, I stared, captivated. Not wanting him to stop.

I watched as Cas pulled my half-hard cock from my boxers and and felt his soft breath on me. I waited in anticipation for what he was planning to do.

Then, with no warning, no talking, Cas had taken my entire length into the warm suction of his mouth.

"Cas!" I moaned loudly, throwing my head back in pure pleasure as I felt a hot, tight heat constrict around me.

I wanted nothing more than to move, to fuck up into his mouth but I didn't. I forced myself to stay still as Cas moved slowly.

Taking his time as he sucked and nibbled gently along my cock, agonisingly slowly. Stretching my torture out until I couldn't take it any more and thought I'd explode from pure feeling alone.

"Cas...Cas...please..." I whimpered, looking down at him, I was met with the most beautiful sight in the world. Cas, dishevelled hair, my cock deep in his mouth...Oh, God...I was gonna come...

"Cas...I..." Then he sucked, harder and faster than he'd ever done before and I damn near screamed as I came, hard and fast, he made a small keening noise of satisfaction as my come hit the back of his throat. I lay there, panting, feeling the most sated I had felt in a long time. Feeling Cas let my spent cock out of his mouth and crawl up my body to meet me.

"Jesus, Cas..." I began, taking short shallow gulps, completely breathless after one of the best orgasms of my life. "Sam and Bobby could have come back at any time."

Cas kissed me softly on the lips, and I could taste myself on them, it was one of the hottest things in the world.

"They've gone to get food." He informed me, "they won't be back for a while."

I laughed slightly at the devilish grin on Cas's face. I wrapped one arm around Cas and he lay against my chest, right over my heart. I knew he was listening to my rapid heartbeat.

"So, what was that for?" I asked.

"I missed you." Said Cas simply.

I laughed again. "Maybe I should go away more often if this is the treatment I get when I come back."

Cas angled his head to look up at me and gave me his most unamused look. I fought to keep the smile off of my face but the look he was giving me made him even more adorable.

"I'm sorry, that wasn't funny."

Cas then turned his head back and resumed leaning his head against my chest. I resumed rubbing my hand lazily up and down his arm.

"Promise me something, Dean." Said Cas suddenly.

"Anything." I assured him, staring down at the top of his head. He again looked up to meet my eyes. "Don't ever compromise your safety for anything again," he said, and I could see the fear in his eyes as he said it.

"Because I can't lose you."

I was still slightly confused at Cas's odd behaviour, but I ignored it. "I promise." I whispered, and he leant his head against my chest again.

"You 'no," I began, hoping Cas didn't get embarrassed over this. "I could hear everything you were saying to me in the hospital room."

"Oh," began Cas, "you could hear that?"

I grinned slightly, I knew from his tone of voice that Cas was blushing.

"Yep," I assured him, "but, I also heard what you said about protecting Sammy. And, I wanted to thank you for looking after him. For not compromising _his _safety for anything."

I then leant forward and kissed Cas on the forehead, meaning every word. I then settled back into the back seat, content to have my Cas lying in my arms.

It didn't even really bother me that he didn't reply to that.


End file.
